Bachelor in Paradise: Week 4 - Why does everyone love Jared?

This recap may largely be a rant on WHY EVERYONE'S OVARIES ARE EXPLODING OVER JARED? I don't understand. I thought he was somewhat nice-ish on Kaitlyn's season - but that was ages ago and BOY has that changed. Ever since he arrived on Bachelor In Paradise last season, I seriously have not understood the appeal. 

                                                        GIRL YOU NEED TO CHILL

                                                        GIRL YOU NEED TO CHILL

YES we all know Ashley can expunge an oasis of tears over anything/anyone she forms a strong attachment to; but Jared?! Ashley, you have a quirky personality, and by quirky I mean way better than Caila's, and SICK makeup skillz. Her hair isn't THAT much better than yours. And your date with Daniel was 10x more entertaining than Caila and Jared's dull AF conversations (let's ignore the highly inapprops and uncomfortable "virgin" sacrifice for now). You can do SO MUCH BETTER, and based on the previews, I am right. And so was Nick Viall. Can we please give him some props for being so direct to someone who simply has no ability to see reason? 

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SOMEONE HAS to do this to Evan, too. Please. Anyone? Your ankles hurt so you invite the chick who has clearly said she's not that into you to the hospital? Yeah? How's that working for you? I really don't know how long I can continue to stomach Evan's delusion and Carly's simultaneous ENCOURAGEMENT of such behavior. Initially, she may have been direct, but now, she's being straight up despo and confusing us along with herself. Come on, girl - make a decision and tell him to his face vs. telling the cameras how weirded out you are by Evan. What even is this "relationship" stemmed by fake/imminent health issues?

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We need Chad back for the commentary, people. I also can't help but literally pull the hair out of my head when conversations (producer edits) only highlight general interest in the other person. Example: Nick and Jen. I'm almost positive that Jen, a small business owner, and Nick, Account Executive at SalesForce (or Regular Franchise Contestant at this point), are capable of much more interesting conversation than what we saw. But alas all they did was compliment each other, make out in the sand among crabs, and thank each other for going on this date. Still shipping #SaViall

And this episode was only an hour so thanks a lot ABC. Now I have nothing to do but wait eagerly for the new arrivals to break up Grace and Vizzy. UGH. Who's coming thru besides Wells? In other news, I realized who'd have been the perfect BIP companion for Daniel:

                            Think she's taken now. Bad timing, wrong season. DAMNIT.

                            Think she's taken now. Bad timing, wrong season. DAMNIT.

The Bachelorette Recap - WEEK 4: The demise of Chad

THE END OF THE CHAD SAGA

OMG GUYS, Chad's gonna break into the house. Chad's whistling in the woods! He's gonna break Jordan's face! Did you see the previews last week?!?!

So the producers tried to create a serial killer cliffhanger, etching into our minds the beautiful visual of Chad running his fingers down a glass pane, and failed MISERABLY. The most physical/violent action we get from Chad is an index finger nudge into Jordan's head. I'm disappointed.

Bachelorette-Chad

The most anticlimactic confrontation that all of us losers (not you? ok, just me) waited TWO WHOLE WEEKS for ended up being as lame, if not worse, than every other “altercation” we've seen (why everyone was hellbent on using this term during Evan’s de-shirting is still beyond me). The most pleasure I got was from Chad asking Evan whether he’s BROKE when he begs to be compensated for his shirt yet again. "Don't you have a bunch of d**k companies?" - Chad

Chad does a weird spin-curtsy thing and dips, giving zero Fs as he packs his bag for the cesspool that is Bachelor in Paradise. We can’t wait.

If I was one of the guys I’d probably leave with Chad to go grab protein-infused drinks (is vodka a protein?) instead of hang out with a bunch of lames rubbing their faces in cake while stroking Alex’s ego. 

Alex has accomplished the nuanced art of talking sh*t and got rewarded by 1) a few kisses from the woman who’s literally kissed everyone on the show and 2) twelve guys eagerly waiting for a celebratory pillow fight in honor of Chad’s demise. WAS IT WORTH IT ALEX?

MINI-CHADS: ROSE CEREMONY PT. I

Evan decides to make the entire rose ceremony about his bursting heart and starts talking about the threat of mini-chads, or “multiple small enemies to create The Chad” ...whatever that means. I think all these mini-chads are going to give you your 47th nose bleed, Evan.

"The guys who are so compassionate for Jojo are all of a sudden cutthroat" - Evan, aka someone who's never watched The Bachelorette. Where's Bachelor Superfan when you need him?

All the guys start putting their effort into "getting one on one time with Jojo" aka sucking her face off. I find it a bit sad that the guy who gets interrupted during his poem (James something?) and Canadian Daniel who also gets interrupted, BOTH end up getting eliminated. 

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE KEEPS PICKING EVAN. SOMEONE, TELL ME. IN THE WORDS OF CHAD, "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY VIBIN' THIS DUDE?"

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Cut to everyone making me uncomfortable by screaming "Uruguay!" It's like these guys have never seen another country. Ugh, I miss Chad already.

YOU-ROO-GWAY

"We're staying at a place called the Grand Hotel, and it is grand. It's awesome." - Robby

Date card: Jordan, let's 'seal' the deal.

*crickets*

Everyone has anxiety over the fact that Jordan gets the one-on-one. Derek decides to stereotype Jordan as a football player who is untrustworthy. Wells says he just wants another stamp on his passport. Someone comments on his hair-flip. I start to drown myself in my sorrows because insults from Chad would have been 100x more satisfying. 

I always thought I've had my fair share of downward-spiraling in the past. Until I heard these guys commenting on Jojo having a twinkle in her eye for Jordan .... ALL the way to assumptions that she's still in love with her ex. I think these guys decided to collectively chuck anything known as confidence, sanity, or dignity out of the window. Well done.

#JOJORDAN

LOL this is such a recipe for disaster. Jojo desperately asks Jordan about his past. Let's be honest, he does not look 100% genuine when he responds. Or he's just nervous AF. I'm pretty gullible, so who knows. Also, she brings up how he said "falling for you" last time, and "falling in love" this time -- and says there's a big difference. I think we could all see Jordan's brain was unable to discern and quickly spit out an "I know."

CHAD'S BACK. NO, THE OTHER ONE. 

OK, I feel kind of bad for Jojo here. It probably isn't easy to have things printed about you airing out your dirty laundry or any other falsities.

BUT, I have to call this out. Jojo cries and says "that was the truest form of love I've ever felt" in reference to Ben. I just can't imagine that 6 weeks with someone was the truest form of love she's ever experienced. But I know that she probably saw what it was like to be with someone healthy vs. destructive, so I'll refrain from drinking the haterade. Hopefully we don't have 'Chad' as a drinking game term in the show anymore, or we'd all be getting our stomachs pumped.

Group Date Highlights, or Highlows... or Low lows:
- Evan references his nosebleed problems.
- The men all drool over how Jojo is "smokin hot."
- Derek transforms into a jealous broody version of Jim Halpert.
- We watch James T(?) enter the friend zone as he lays awkward pecks on a hesitant Jojo.
- Jojo says "yesterday was possibly one of the worst nights of my life" as my eyes roll to the back of my head.
- Alex starts to hate someone again and talk our ears off about it. Kill me now.

ROBBY AND JOJO EAT A BITE OF A SANDWICH

Nobody ever eats on this show and it makes me depressed. I'd be that person who just sits behind them and screams YOU GONNA EAT THAT? and grab their "authentic yooroogway sandwiches" and shovel it into my mouth. Meanwhile in the house, the guys start calculating the meaning of the number of roses and it all goes over my head. Can't they just keep going to the spa and calm TF down? 

Robby: "I've fallen in love with you, Jojo."
Jojo: "Thank you so much."
Robby: "Love is a mutual thing."

ROSE CEREMONY PT. II

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The boys have another care bear fest about a high school clique or something, and Alex starts hurling insults towards Derek, in a very Chad-esque form, but it just doesn't work as well when it comes out of his mouth. Maybe because he thought he was such a benevolent hero in earlier episodes, and now he smells of hypocrisy. Also, there have been literally tons of people who have pulled the whole "we had a date and I'm afraid we'll lose our connection" who end up with a pity rose. AMIRITE? Bachelor superfan, where you at?

Evan: I wanna be a freakin' front runner! Chad owes me a freakin' shirt! MY FREAKIN' NOSE IS BLEEDING!

Snooki-Wah-Whining


Luke, Chase, Alex (ugh), James and Wells get a rose.

Looks like we're saying BOY BYE to Evan, Vinny and Grant. They all cry over a woman who has shown them the exotic adventures of sand surfing, football dueling, and firefighting. I can do without these guys, especially since they're taking Evan and Vinny's haircut along with them.

Next week we have a new name for our drinking game: Jordan.